It's about time that I started to think about things that are larger than myself. I spend way too much time wasting away inside the dark damp cardboard box of my rotting mind, thinking about ridiculous, useless things, absorbing myself with trivial thoughts and feelings, pretending to be something that I'm probably not and although all the while these things are the things that keep me going, keep me feeling alive and human, its not going to get me anywhere but here. I'm not going to get anywhere but here with that shit and its about time I start acting with more immediacy, more heart, more intention, more direction. More purposefulness. In everything that I do.

I really like the way that those words sounded in my head. Immediacy. Purposeful. And so therein lies the problem with me right now; those words sound so good to me, so strong and so potent with the silent promise of secret power and courage. I am so incredibly fascinated by these ideas, these romantic notions of a true unwavering purposeful spirit. I am fascinated by these ideas because I don't have any of these attributes myself-so far its all just a beautiful idea in my head. But not for much longer.

I am going to make it my purpose to become that beautiful idea in my head.

And I'll never be fascinated by these kinds of beautiful things again.

Somewhere in the Hagakure it says the way of the samurai lies in immediacy. So be it. And so from now on, the way of this pre-med student will lie in the cultivation of this immediacy, the cultivation of this purposefulness, the cultivation of my direction and my intention. The cultivation of my heart. The cultivation of my life's passion. Its not too late for me. I've done the amazing before and I can do it again and again and again. I am going to get into medical school. I am going to become an emergency room surgeon. And that's that.