Last Friday I had my second interview with the UC Davis Student Athletic Trainers.

One footnote: There is a girl that I just can't stop thinking about. I have never been so incredibly attracted to anyone before. And I can't read her. I keep getting the feeling that I'm in way over my head, maybe she's way out of my league. And what makes it worse is that I act like a three-year old whenever I'm around her. This is just pathetic. This could very well be the end of me. I need to get my mind back to my work.

I'm really starting to feel that my attendance at this small group physics tutoring at Dutton is starting to pay off. The guy Long is really doing a great job introducing and breaking down the material for me so that I'm getting a lot more out of the DLMs. But one thing: I need to understand why it is that I'm usually able to get so much more out of these casual individual focused instruction sessions than from my regular lectures. It often feels as if I simply allow my mind to drift off when I haven't got the individual focus of the lecturer. Or something ridiculous like that. This is a problem. I can't allow myself to become too dependant upon small group tutoring. What are some ways to get the most out of the lectures that I attend? Do I need more sleep before lecture? Preview the material being lectured on? Should I try to develop some sort of relationship with the lecturer outside of class? Attemping the material on my own before lecture seems like it would be the most effective solution to this. This requires discipline. And I need to be consistent about it.


I also need to keep in mind that in order for me to do well in the class and fully comprehend the material, it will require much more individual dedication outside of just attending a few tutoring hours every week or even attending office hours. I need to put in the extra time outside of these structured help sessions to study and absorb the material on my own. There is really no other way.

This is one of my problems, often times I unconsciously look for some sort of magic solution, some secret formula to success (like enrolling in a tutoring class or purchasing a pricey review text or drawing up some overly ambitious elaborate plan for study hours etc) and when I think I've found it, I let myself kick back and act as if I can just get away with not even putting in the bare minimum. It's almost as if its all for show, to trick myself into believing that I'm on top of things.

I will get to the root of this problem. And rip it out. Its time to put myself into effect.

It's about time that I started to think about things that are larger than myself. I spend way too much time wasting away inside the dark damp cardboard box of my rotting mind, thinking about ridiculous, useless things, absorbing myself with trivial thoughts and feelings, pretending to be something that I'm probably not and although all the while these things are the things that keep me going, keep me feeling alive and human, its not going to get me anywhere but here. I'm not going to get anywhere but here with that shit and its about time I start acting with more immediacy, more heart, more intention, more direction. More purposefulness. In everything that I do.

I really like the way that those words sounded in my head. Immediacy. Purposeful. And so therein lies the problem with me right now; those words sound so good to me, so strong and so potent with the silent promise of secret power and courage. I am so incredibly fascinated by these ideas, these romantic notions of a true unwavering purposeful spirit. I am fascinated by these ideas because I don't have any of these attributes myself-so far its all just a beautiful idea in my head. But not for much longer.

I am going to make it my purpose to become that beautiful idea in my head.

And I'll never be fascinated by these kinds of beautiful things again.

Somewhere in the Hagakure it says the way of the samurai lies in immediacy. So be it. And so from now on, the way of this pre-med student will lie in the cultivation of this immediacy, the cultivation of this purposefulness, the cultivation of my direction and my intention. The cultivation of my heart. The cultivation of my life's passion. Its not too late for me. I've done the amazing before and I can do it again and again and again. I am going to get into medical school. I am going to become an emergency room surgeon. And that's that.